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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.
“Yeah, my wife…”

***

Dear Tech Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn’t work on this program.
Can you please help!
Joe.

Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGIZE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGIZE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck!
Tech Support

Tera Patrick, easily the world’s hottest adult actress. Since 1999 this half-Thai and half-English goddess has been lighting up the small screen in such porn classics as Forbidden Tales, Island Fever #3 and Tera Tera Tera.

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Sunny Leone, whose parents had emigrated from India, grew up in Canada and relocated to Southern California in 1996 with her family. Soon after graduating from high school, the ingenue began modeling, slowly transitioning from mainstream work to nude layouts. Finally opting to have sex in front of the camera, she signed with Vivid Video in ’05 and stars in Sunny, Virtual Vivid Girl Sunny Leone and other hard-core releases.

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The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

***

A man says to his wife, “I fancy kinky sex, how about I blow my load in your ear?” The wife hastily replies, “No, I might go deaf!” To which the man replies, “I’ve been shooting my love wads in your mouth for the last 20 years and you’re still fucking talking aren’t you?”

How did a small-town girl from Canada get into the skin biz? “Well, men have always liked looking at my body,” Shyla remarks, “and I love showing it off. I thought, Why not let everyone see what I have? People have always told me I have a lot of sex appeal. So I flew to Los Angeles and did my first HUSTLER spread. Do you think the readers will like it?” Let’s ask them. Whaddaya think, guys? Shyla is also not shy about discussing her no-holes-barred porn career, which got off to a thunderous start in 2001 with Gangbang Auditions #8. “I took a little break,” the knockout reveals, “but now I’m back shooting films as we speak. I just did a great D.P. scene.” When not seductively stripping down for the camera, Shyla hunkers down on the farm in scenic British Columbia. “I love to read and watch movies at home,” she says. “That doesn’t mean I’m boring. I also love to go bungee-jumping. I’ve done it two times now. All that bouncing up and down gets me wet through my Wranglers. I also like to cook. I’m a master at baking a turkey, and my cheesecakes are to die for.” Before we can ask what fruity toppings adorn her cheesecakes, Shyla exclaims, “Plus, I love to fuck! I’m a very open and dirty girl. I love anything that is erotic and going to take it to the next level. I dig oral, and I love to get banged by a guy in the missionary position while a woman has her pussy in my face.” What does this sweet little missy want to do down the line? “I wouldn’t mind making a living as a musician and a nude model,” Shyla hints. “Maybe I could combine both and be the first naked country star. Like Johnny Cash—only blond and with nice DD boobies!”

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A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ’spaghetti’ on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.’”

***

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”

Feast your eyes on Nikki Benz, the smoking-hot adult actress seen here displaying her magnificent bod in the studio of custom-bike guru Russell Mitchell. Nikki was tickled pink to drop by and straddle Mitchell’s marvelous creations in all her naked glory. “It turned me on actually,” the 36D knockout gushes. “I love riding on the back of a bike, but have always been too chicken to drive one.” She may be too chicken to ride one, but we’ll settle for her posing on one anyday.
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She’s everyone’s fantasy all-American girl-next-door and HUSTLER Video’s first contract beauty. A superhot 21-year-old, this porn star is as sweet as homemade apple pie and twice as tasty. We don’t know about you, but seeing this American beauty makes us glad we live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Thank you, Jessica, and God bless the USA!

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A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:
“The boy may try to kiss you — it will feel good, but don’t do it. He may try to go up your skirt — but don’t let him. He may try to take your clothes off — but don’t do it. He may try to get on top of you — but don’t do it. If you do any of these things, you’ll disgrace your family.”
The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, “Well, did you disgrace the family.”
“No,” said the girl, “Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it’s his family that’s disgraced!”

***

There was this hunk at a trade fair, flashing his big muscles and repeating, “Ten tons of dynamite, ten tons of dynamite,” while eyeing the females around.
One young lady was impressed and, with the intention of giving him a try, entered the tent with him. She was out in a moment saying “Huh, ten tons of dynamite, with half an inch of fuse?”

Fans of XXX movies will definitely recognize Jenna Presley, who’s appeared in more than 125 of them. “I love being an adult actress better than my last job as an exotic dancer,” Jenna says. “But being in porn is a hotter gig, and it’s more profitable.” Apparently, having sex on film was a no-brainer for the lifelong Californian. “I was kind of promiscuous in college,” the 20-year-old admits, “and this guy I was with told me he thought I fucked like a porn star. That got me thinking.” And now the green-eyed goddess has us wondering about her off-camera romps. “I like a guy who knows what to do and who loves sex,” Jenna confides. “He has to be totally into oral, both giving and receiving. He also has to be able to try new things and share. I like girls too. When I’m lucky enough to have a threesome in private, I’m in heaven. It’s like a sex buffet where I get to try a little bit of everything!” Keeping up her heavenly appearance also takes a lot of hard work. “I work out every day that I’m not on a set or in a photo studio,” Jenna tells us. “I run, swim, lift weights and sweat my ass off. It’s important to me to stay in shape.” How does Jenna assess her porn career? “I’ve been very lucky because I’ve been able to work steady for the past two years. I hope to keep at it until guys get tired of looking at me naked, and then maybe I’ll get into directing. Or just get married, have kids, change my name and disappear into a suburban lifestyle—but not for a long time to come!”

The “USB pole dancer” is designed to be plugged into any personal computer and comes complete with her own silver pole to dance around, as well as multi-coloured lights and disco music to “recreate an authentic nightclub atmosphere”.
Once she is switched on she goes through a gyrating routine with the help of a pre-installed backing track.
Instructions on the packaging, which has “Girls, Girls, Girls” printed in large lettering, say: “This fun pole dancer is powered directly from the USB port on your PC and will entertain you at any time of the day or night.”
See video
by dailymail.co.uk

Three guys are walking down the street one day, when they come on a whore house. They decide to go inside.
When they get to the counter, the lady says, “It’s $5 for sex.”
The first man turns to his buddies and says, “Do ya’ll have any money?” They say no, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dime. He tells the lady that all he has is a dime.
She says, “We’ll fix you up.”
She takes him to a room and 20 minutes later he comes back out. His buddies ask him what happened. He says that the lady put whipped cream on his dick and licked it off with her tongue.
The second man says, “I got 15 cents. I wonder what I can get.” He gives it to the lady, and she takes him back to the same room. He comes out 30 minutes later, and his buddies ask him what happened.
He says, “She put whipped cream on my dick and then poured hot fudge on top of that and licked it off.”
The third guy says, “I got a quarter, so I’m gonna see what I can get.” The lady takes him back to the room, and 10 minutes later he comes out limping. His buddies look at him and ask what happened.
He says, “She put whipped cream and hot fudge on my dick, and to top it off, she put a cherry…It looked so good I ate it my self.”

Getting a start in porn wasn’t easy for this up-and-coming gal from Jacksonville, Florida. “I used to be very shy,” Crissy tells us. “It was really hard for me to pose nude for the first time. I was nervous and totally self-conscious. The photographer almost had to beg me to slowly remove my top. Then, on the next day, he had me show off my boobs and take off my Read the rest of this entry »

This little pooch has a USB port in place of his doggie johnson, slip it into your USB port and he humps your computer like there is no tomorrow. It seems that humping your USB port is the only point to this doggy; he has no redeeming qualities like built in flash memory. Ironically, a quote from the Google translation of the original Japanese page gave me a chuckle and seems very appropriate for the humpage, “until it pulls out, it does not stop.”
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by everythingusb.com

He may have come down from the trees, but prehistoric man did not stop swinging. New research into Stone Age humans has argued that, far from having intercourse simply to reproduce, they had sex for fun.
Practices ranging from bondage to group sex, transvestism and the use of sex toys were widespread in primitive societies as a way of building up cultural ties.
According to the study, a 30,000-year-old statue of a naked woman - the Venus of Willendorf - and an equally ancient stone phallus found in a German cave, provide the earliest direct evidence that sex was about far more than babies.
Timothy Taylor, reader in archeology at Bradford University, reviewed evidence from dozens of archeological finds and scientific studies for his research.
He argues that monogamy only became established as hunter-gatherer societies took up agriculture and settled in houses, allowing the social roles of men and women to become more fixed.
Experts believe research such as Taylor’s may help overturn false assumptions that sex for the purposes of reproduction is the form closest to nature.
Taylor, whose research is published by Haworth Press in the Handbook of the Evolution of Human Sexuality, says the human attitude to sex arose from the complex interaction of physical and mental development. By comparison with modern humans, who appeared about 300,000-100,000 years ago, apes have tiny male genitals, no female breasts and are hairy. But they are easily able to distinguish the sexes because males can weigh up to three times as much as females.
Humans, by contrast, are far less easy to distinguish by size. Taylor says that prominent male genitals and female breasts developed to aid recognition of the opposite sex in creatures of similar size and shape. The similarity in size, combined with the ease of face-to-face sex, allowed intercourse to become a vital part of social interaction, communication and inventiveness.

by timesonline.co.uk